Retroactive Entry: Scattered Thoughts from Thursday

Health Summary:

Dad seemed more out of sorts to me this morning, and he was fidgety all day. He seemed restless when he napped, which he did at least a couple times. Hospice came for the initial consultation this morning. Many have affirmed our decision to go that route, but it is still easy to second guess. It seems like we are conceding too quickly. I am especially tempted to feel that way on Dad's better days. Hospice plans to come 3 days a week. They are working on some solutions to his problem keeping food and liquid down. That is our biggest concern since it is hard for him to keep down his meds, and his significant weight loss is a real concern regarding his overall health and strength. Hospice said folks who don't (or can't) eat don't last long. They also stressed the importance of a good attitude, even during hospice.

Otherwise, this was a very busy and tiring day. Phone calls and visitors came in a steady stream throughout the day. That attention and concern for Dad is so needed, especially for his morale. Still, I can see how draining this could be on Mom and me since there might be little down time between entertaining, talking on the phone, and helping Dad. All this attention also shows Dad is cared about. He received the "gifts" today or a motorized scooter (which he loves so much) and a manual wheelchair for runs to town. Both came from other Towers' residents.

Miscellaneous Thoughts:

Last night was restless for me. I began reading Dale Aukerman’s cancer journal last night before bed, and it was helpful in that he and his family went through many of the stages we have. They even share the same cancer. But Dale ended up going with chemo, which we have not. I find that I have been second-guessing myself a lot on that. I think Dad looked to me for that call from the time when we talked in the van on the way home Tuesday. I keep reminding myself that the doctor and the nurse highly recommended hospice over chemo, but some part of me feels like hospice is “giving up.” Dale talked about the need to have a fighting spirit, and I worry with Dad that calling in hospice will feel like too much of concession of defeat and that it’ll mean his spirit and fortitude will weaken. In my dreams, I was confronting Dad and telling him with passion that he should fight, fight, fight.