Retroactive Entry: Scattered Thoughts from Tuesday

5/8/07

I’ve come home to watch my Dad die. Up until now, I have said to others that I have not been fighting this, just hoping and praying for this to be a graceful last days full of sweet and holy moments. Yet today, when I saw him and thought more about what is being taken from him and what he is facing, I pushed back. My soul resisted this inevitability. Even though I wish my Mom and Grandma wouldn’t find solace in empty prayers for healing in the face of a cancerous inevitability, I am a hypocrite because I too don’t want to concede to this series of events and certainly not to this disease.

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I can already see that there will be moments when my vision of a meaningful and peaceful surrender in these twilight weeks and months will be shattered by the reality of a flesh and blood person, who is my own father, struggling and deteriorating in front me.

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It will be good to help my Mom. The doctor asked who is caring for him, and I felt such peace when I could offer that now I will be home too. Dad confessed to me in the car that he is worried about Mom and doesn’t like that – even at this early phase – her care of him has taken her away from many of her normal comings and goings. I can be relief for her devoted service, which already includes all manner of dressing, undressing, driving, cooking, caring, and essentially always being present.

Mom cried tonight over dinner while Dad was napping. She only said that she is sad he won’t be able to woodwork.

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We watched Jeopardy tonight, which has always been one of Dad's favorites. He got final Jeopardy right, then quipped that his brain still worked.

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I get excited whenever he drinks or eats anything… those needed calories and hydration.

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I find myself getting so afraid that it is just weeks, not months. I can’t fathom Dad just being here such a short time. Somehow, “months” seems so much more soothing, even though it in and of itself is also so short.